WHY AM I
TELLING YOU THIS?
As the saying goes: "Don't talk the talk unless you can walk the walk!"*
How can we raise awareness and reduce the stigma, if we can not share our own journey.
How else will you know that you are not alone?
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What's my story?
Hear my interview with ABC Radio about PTSD in paramedics (28th Jan 2023)
20 years of paramedicine and my bucket is starting to overflow. My family see it, my workmates see it, but I don’t.
Each call out starts to take my breath away, my breathing increases and I hope my partner doesn’t notice because I am lead clinician.
Jobs are becoming more personalised. I can’t seem to compartmentalise them anymore.
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My colleagues reactions and responses sit with me and make me question my decisions.
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There’s only two work MATES that I trust myself to work with and they know something is up, otherwise I do what I can to avoid work.
A nasty job lands like a rock in my bucket, and I start to hate going to work.
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I realise there is something wrong when I plan my ‘escape’ from work in the middle of a night shift.
Telling only those that need to know, I manage to sneak home and find solace in my bed, without my family even knowing I’m home.
The final day comes when I obviously make the wrong decision. No adverse reaction to my decision other than I can not go back, and I don’t....20 years on the road ....over.
I am extremely fortunate to have an amazing support network around me.
From my husband who understands me better than I do, a GP that puts patients first and a family psychologist who works her amazing magic without you realising it.
The importance of this network is amplified by the fact that I don’t remember much of the beginning. I remember crying a lot, I remember not wanting to admit that I had been diagnosed with PTSD.
and I remember my boys (then 3 and 5) asking me why I didn't smile anymore.
Even with all this, I continue to think I am invincible, that I can do anything, that it will pass.
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I am extremely lucky to have had supportive managers, who see my vulnerabilities and make sure that I get myself onto a path of healing.
Even though I had a diagnosis, I still didn't fully understand what was going on.
On one particular day...
I saw the ambulance come with lights flashing. I watched them intently as they drove past us and up towards the location where a motorbike rider had tried to hug a tree. I wanted to go and help, but my feet were stuck to the ground like concrete.
That night, as I lay in bed, I treated the patient for 8 hours. I never once laid eyes on him, or had any definite idea of his injuries, but for 8 hours, he received the best possible care I could think of.
While it is normal to be concerned for the wellbeing of your colleagues, it is not normal to become emotionally invested from the sound of a siren to the patient they were tasked too.
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